Contrived Giant Fighting Robot Movie 3

Transformers: Dark of the Moon, 2011
4.0

Does this movie even deserve a review? Well, we all know the answer to that one, but frankly, if every movie that didn’t deserve a review didn’t get one, movie critics would be irrelevant. Oh that’s right, they already are. Anyways. Like the last Transformers, Revenge of the Fallen, the third installment really suffers from a lack of cohesion. As a result, so does my review. You see, Dark of the Moon (which is awkwardly missing the word Side in the title) isn’t a movie, so much as it is a collection of bizarre, contrived, and convoluted plot points and “characters.” Notice the quotation marks. For example, the movie starts off with a revisionist explanation of how Americans landed on the moon. No, it had nothing to do with good ol’ fashioned American ingenuity. A bunch of robots sent a secret spaceship to the moon! And the Americans really wanted to find out what it was! Of course, that really has nothing to do with anything else in the movie. Considering the robots end up on planet Earth regardless back in the first movie. So couldn’t the spaceship just crash land in between the second and third movie? NO! Then Buzz Aldrin, who now appears to be senile, couldn’t grovel to a giant CGI robot about how important Optimus Prime was to human history. I find that insulting. Shouldn’t we be honoring Buzz Aldrin? And if not, why have him in the movie at all?

Speaking of things that are insulting, how about Rosie Huntington-Whitely. Megan Fox did not return thanks to apparently insensitive Hitler comments she made about hack director Michael Bay offending everyone including her producer, who happened to have made a really good film about the Holocaust (you did it again, Steven!). Unfortunately, this paved the way for Victoria Secret model and Brit RH-W, who isn’t an actress so much as a collection of female body parts that remind men that they’re heterosexual. (Us men couldn’t have done it without you, Michael Bay!) I have been comparing Bay’s style of photographing women to, lets say, Richard Marquand’s photography of Princess Leia in her slave outfit in Return of the Jedi. One contains context; the other does not. We get to see RH-W’s perfect legs squatting on Shia LaBeouf not because it’s necessary to the film but because Mr. Bay wants men, ages from 8 to 88, to drool. Wouldn’t it just be more suiting for Bay to quit Hollywood and start making skin flicks for Cinemax? He could still add his trademark explosions, which aren’t even that awe striking as they are in Transformers.

Let’s see, anything else? Patrick Dempsey plays an evil robot accountant. Ken Jeong appears as Mr. Chow (and you thought you’d have to wait for Hangover 3). John Malkovich, John Turturro, and Frances McDormand also all appear, proving the Coen Brothers should give them work.

Am I being unfair? Perhaps. I may be biased since I prefer things that are real. Real characters, real entities. I may never like a movie that depends so much on things that are fake. Is there an actual animatronic robot in the entire movie? I don’t think so. Though I will say the final battle is occasionally interesting (though it’s quite long after a long setup), and the evil robot, Shockwave, is pretty cool. Word on the street is that this is Bay’s last Transformers film. Here’s to hoping we don’t have to sit through this again.

Green There, Done That

Green Lantern, 2011
3.8

I’ll be honest. I did not have high expectations going into Green Lantern, Martin Campbell’s expensive superhero flick about a jet pilot who obtains a ring that can project a green cartoon of anything he can imagine. I’m not a big fan of Ryan Reynolds, though his dramatic and intense turn in 2010’s Buried was surprisingly good. I feared his default cocky mode, which in all honestly, does not bode well for a superhero. Aren’t we supposed to like these guys, not be reminded of that frat guy we all hate?

I also feared the no-named director, Martin Campbell, who I had to look up to find out he helmed two very successful Bond reboots Casino Royale and GoldenEye. My fear was reassured when it was revealed that Reynolds would where a green suit to digitally render him a… shiny green suit. One can only wonder if Charlie Day was approached before Reynolds.

Rest assured, I enter every film with an open mind (yes, even Bratz). I was excited when I found out that an unrecognizable Peter Sarsgaard would play the hideous and disfigured villain, Dr. Hector Hammond. And I always say, a superhero movie is only as good as its villain. Unfortunately, though Sarsgaard tries very very hard, sloppy writing and clunky editing do the film in. The only thing we know about any of the characters’ pasts we have to take from another character referring to it, normally in a very vague manner. Hal Jordan (Reynolds), Carol (Blake Lively), and Hector all share a history? I can’t be too sure about that, but someone says something about it at some time.

Also, Campbell and his editor Stuart Baird seem to like parallel editing. An important scene of Dr. Hammond dissecting an alien is intercut with a scene of Jordan discovering his powers from the mysterious green ring bestowed to him by said alien. It’s awkward and regrettable because each half-scene should get its own due, its own specific attention. It certainly doesn’t work out like the baptism scene in The Godfather. The editing does get worse; at some points, scenes follow unexpectedly, almost randomly, and not in a good way.

My only other serious complaint is where did all the money go? We’re talking a $300 million movie, including marketing. We should be getting some pretty stellar effects. They’re just OK. There are go-to guys for a budget like that, and Campbell is not one of them. I really don’t expect Green Lantern to make its money back, but hey, people have paid for just as bad (ahem, Transformers 2).

Is there anything really worth paying for? The third dimension, perhaps? I watched it in 2D (I didn’t feel like fiddling around with glasses on my face for two hours), and I can’t see it being worth an extra 3.50. But the fear entity Parallax is kind of cool, and if you’re a Sarsgaard fan like me, well he’s OK too. Otherwise, re-watch The Dark Knight.